When You Have a Friend Who is Struggling

I've been pretty open about my struggles this year. Shortly after Muffin was born, I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA. Given his traumatic birth, it was probably a bit of PTSD, too.

It was a hard year.

I'm finally coming out the other side, but, as is expected - life's challenges just keep on coming.

A traveling husband.
A baby with health problems.
Therapy, Early Intervention, and more therapy.
The general chaos and work of having four children under the age of six.

The adventure of life hasn't stopped, and for that, I am grateful. I'm also infinitely grateful that I am in a better place, emotionally and physically, to tackle everything that life has to throw at me. Otherwise, I might be crying in a corner somewhere.

Okay, some days, I end up doing just that. Life is hard, after all.

There are a lot of things that have helped me this year. And there are a lot of things that have hurt me. Though I'm sure everyone's heart was in the right place, when you have PPD, not everything that is said or done is helpful and uplifting, despite the best of intentions.

Maybe you have a friend or family member who is trying to overcome PPD or another challenging time in her life. Maybe you are trying to beat those demons yourself. I thought I would share some of the things that I found uplifting this year, in the hopes that it could help someone else out there who is still walking in the shadows.

Get her out of the house

When you are in the depths of PPD, or when you are simply feeling overwhelmed and not enough, the last thing that you want to do is leave the house. You have an innate desire to stay locked up in the walls of your misery. The outside world is not a welcome distraction.

I beg you, if you have a friend who is struggling, get her out of the house. There is nothing like some fresh air and friendship to lift your spirits, even if it's just for a short while. Life is busy and it can be hard to coordinate schedules, but don't be the friend who always says, "We should do dinner!" but never comes through to make it happen. Instead, be the one who offers to come pick your friend up, brings coffee, who helps with the kids' shoes, reassures your friend that she looks fine, and - if necessary - takes her by the arm and gets her out of the house. She may resist, but she will appreciate your effort to include her, love her, and make her feel worthwhile.

I was fortunate to have friends do this for me this year. It was never a question of, "Do you want to..." it was simply, "We are hanging out!" Even though I fought with myself every step of the way, I always felt better when I got out of the house.

Recognize Facebook for what it is

Facebook is a mainstay of our world. As much as I wish it would disappear sometimes, it's not going anywhere. As much as I wish I had the willpower to delete my Facebook profile, it really is my connection to many family members and friends.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. 

So many times, I run into people who I don't see often in real life, and they say, "Oh, I see the pictures that you put up on Facebook! You must be so (happy/busy/frustrated/insert whatever word here)." Even though I appreciate that they enjoy my pictures and posts, I find myself trying not to shake my head.

Facebook is not a true portrayal of a person's life. Please remember that. Whether you see your friend posting an onslaught of happy pictures, or you see posts where a friend is complaining or venting more than you would like, remind yourself that Facebook is merely a glimpse into someone's dynamic, complicated life.

The friend who is posting picture after picture of her smiling children could be struggling even though it seems like all is well. So often I felt that I was standing in a crowded room, screaming, and no one - NO ONE - realized it. Didn't they see that I was acting? I needed help.

The friend who is asking what she can do to get through her day may be having a hard moment and is looking for advice to get through it. It does not mean that her life is one of never-ending misery. I've been on this end of it, too, where I have asked for a simple bit of advice and been told that I am completely unhappy or that I hate my life. Didn't they see that I was fine? Why on earth can't I ask for advice? Did I lose that right when I was diagnosed with PPD?

Check in with your friend. Do it the old fashioned way and CALL her. Visit her. Talk to her. Ask her how she is doing. You can tell a whole lot more about how she is truly doing by the tone of her voice and the expression on her face than you can by her latest Facebook status update.

Commiserate

Maybe I should label this bit of advice as, "Don't be a jackass." But suggesting that you commiserate with your friend is probably a nicer way to put it.

When you are having a hard time, the last thing that you want to hear is how much better someone else is doing. It magnifies your perceived flaws. It makes you wonder what you are doing wrong - even if you are doing NOTHING wrong.

If a friend vents to you about the fact that she isn't getting much sleep because her baby is up six times a night, don't chime in with "Oh, little Joey slept through the nights at six days old! I couldn't imagine getting up all night like you do."

If a friend is complaining about her messy house, don't respond by telling her that you stay up until midnight every night, scrubbing the walls because you simply cannot go to bed if there are tiny toddler-size smudges on your fresh paint.

For the love of God, sympathize with the poor woman! Exhaustion is miserable. Tell her that you know how it feels to wake up in the morning and wonder if you ever went to sleep. Tell her not to worry about cleaning her house. Crumbs add character. Step in and help her out, if you can.

Be the friend who helps fold the laundry while you chat and pass out Goldfish crackers to your army of minions. Everyone likes that friend.

Remember that life has it's struggles

This is where I'm at these days. 

Life has struggles. Many struggles. Annoying toddler phases, an acute lack of sleep, disagreements with a spouse. Life can be hard.

But life isn't ALL HARD. I can see that now.

Still, when I complain about things in my life - things that are truly and genuinely challenging and overwhelming - the first thing response that I get from some people is about my depression. It's as if they mean to say that they would not feel the same way that I feel in my circumstance and so I must be insanely depressed and must get back to the doctor immediately and take loads of antidepressants.

I'm not buying it. It hurts my feelings and pisses me the hell off to get this response. So please, I beg you, remember that life has it's struggles. Your friend will struggle long after her situation begins to improve. Don't tell her that her life is crap and that she isn't handling things well. Lift her up. Remember that piece of advice above? Commiserate.

Are her feelings valid? Yep.
Is she dealing with difficult circumstances? I bet she is.
Would you feel similarly in her situation? I'm sure you would.

Tell her that it's going to be okay

When I got the phone call from the hospital telling me that Muffin had been referred to the department of pediatric surgery, I panicked. I called my husband and cried for a minute and tried to get my bearings. I sent a text to one of my best friends to let her know.

That friend called me, right then and there, in the middle of her day with a classroom full of students chatting in the background. The first words out of her mouth were, "It's going to be okay."

That phone call meant the world to me.
Those words are powerful.
BE THAT FRIEND.

Acknowledge her progress

Depression, anxiety, new babies, big life changes - they can derail your life, even if only temporarily.

It takes bravery to overcome these challenges. It's scary to admit that you are struggling, to call the doctor, to get the help that you need. It's important to have support along the way.

Pay attention to the process. Acknowledge her progress. Remind her that she's doing okay! She's getting through it, on the good days and on the bad days. There is light. There are better things to come. Tell her that you are proud of her.

I am so thankful for my husband, because he is this support for me. He constantly reminds me, when I am feeling overwhelmed or like I'm not doing enough, that I'm doing great. That I am SO MUCH BETTER than I was months ago. That I am OVERCOMING the struggle of a lifetime. I feel the changes in myself. I am happier. I am more content. I am confident. I am at peace. I am driven.

The fact that he SEES these changes and acknowledges them is so encouraging to me. That man has given me so much grace this year. I am lucky to have him.


If you have a friend who is having a hard time with life, reach out. Be genuine. Be kind.
If you are struggling and you need a friend, I'm glad to be that person for you. I hope one day to be able to repay all of the kindness and support that I have gotten this year from friends near and far.