Sex After Kids

I debated writing this one.

I prayed that I could blog anonymously. Then I contemplated having a fake "Guest Blogger" write the post.

I mean, after all, my mom reads this. Probably my father in law. Maybe even my boss.

Yes, I'm a 30 year old prude.

But, as much as I tell my children that they were stars in the sky who landed in my belly and were gently removed by a doctor and no it didn't hurt, you all know the truth. My husband and I had sex. At least four times.

We were driving in our sweet minivan a few weeks ago and, miraculously, all four kids fell asleep. I'm not exactly sure how the conversation came about, but my husband said to me, "Remember that time, on Mill Street, when we almost burned your apartment down?"

And I laughed. Because I remembered. We were engaged, and it was Valentine's Day, and we were in the middle of a blizzard. So we did what anyone does when it's cold and you are bored (hello, September babies!). And we may have started a small fire due to poor candle placement and a faulty shower curtain rod. We both started laughing. One of us wondered out loud what happened. The other glanced back to the four sleeping kiddos in the back and reality smacked us in the face.

They happened.

Sex after kids is kind of a chore. Let's be real. Especially if you are a nursing mom, or the mom of young kids. The last thing that you want after the kiddos finally fall asleep at night is another person tugging on your yoga pants or grabbing your boobs. But at the same time, it's fun. It's the best way to reconnect with your husband after a long day at your respective jobs. And after it's all done, you probably wonder, "Why don't we do that more often?!" If you don't wonder this, you probably aren't doing it right.

Now, we've obviously managed to do it three times since having our oldest. And we haven't started any fires. And although getting naked on the living room floor can be fun (Hi, Muffin!), we've really been slacking in the whole marriage department.

And so, we made a pact. A New Year's Resolution, if you will. Sex three times a week. For you out there reading, that may sound like a lot or it may sound like not enough at all, but that's our goal. Today is January 6th, and we've done it a half time, twice. We have some work to do.

Now, if you don't know what "half sex" is, I'm going to assume that you don't have kids. Keep on with that birth control, sister. If you do have kids, you can appreciate the humor that is "Sex After Kids."

It's no secret that I'm breastfeeding Muffin, every two hours, AROUND THE CLOCK, sleep be damned. So after a long night at work and a few skipped feedings, the girls are huge. They look AMAZING. I just showered. The kids are all asleep. I tiptoe into my room and climb into bed topless, hoping to "surprise" my husband. (BTW, three nights in a row of this has ruined the surprise. He came to expect it and I told him I would have to scale back. Anywho...) Topless. Seven hours without feeding the baby. Spraying milk everywhere is the opposite of sexy. It just leaves you saying, "Son of a bitch! Where's my bra?"

Last week I went shopping without the kids. VS was having a sale, so I bought some new underwear - all boyshorts - and I was excited. I showed them to my husband when I got home. The conversation went something like this:

"Didn't you wear thongs when we started dating?"
"Yeah. But I've had FOUR babies. They aren't comfortable anymore."
"Well what if I buy you some?"
"I'll put them on in the bathroom immediately before going to bed."
"Deal."

The EPITOME of sexy, let me tell you.

Last night, I kindly pointed out to my husband that it was the fifth of January, almost a whole week down, and we were already breaking our resolution. After a quick argument over who was surfing Facebook more instead of, you know, stripping down, we tiptoed to bed. The name of the game these days is "Quick, before the baby wakes up." We ALMOST had it before we heard Muffin's cries, and I said, "No, don't stop!" and husband said, "I didn't even hear him." So maybe we will count that one as a success. Yes, success.

Day six. 1.5 times. Victory.